mandatum

"The sky illuminates different shades of blue and orange in the morning of a summer day, and I can't help but appreciate its whisper of God's love."

Off to lucban quezon and laguna. Long, tiring trip.

The consequences that may arise in the day of the folly third daughter

My day is about feeling negative.

Define Exhaustion and Pressure and Rush

Alright.

I'm off to Bangkok next week and I just learned, or rather confirmed, that I really need a new passport. So, hell I was so pressured that after learning about it, I went to DFA monday morning. So here's the pitch.

My mom and I used the MRT train to get to Taft Avenue. We walked to the MRT station from the muddy Farmer's Market and lined up for thirty minutes to just to get inside. Then we waited for the train that took us about twenty minutes. And when it finally came, sheesh! People at the back started to push the people in front. So the pushing includes me and my mom. When the doors opened, about two or three girls are trying to get out but they can't. They were being pushed back inside no matter how much they try to get out. And since the train can't accommodate everyone, the door is about to close but then, it won't. Some are holding it back because they will fall off or they will be jammed by the train doors. And still they kept pushing.

So here I am telling people at my back, "my aalis, urong kayo sa likod" But did they listen? No! The pushing continued, until finally the people in front, tried to go steps back. And the next train comes, and the pushing started again. This time, I don't even know if I was the one lifting my feet off ground or it was an involuntary act my senses does so as not to keep me from falling. Because yeah, when people push you from behind, you're pushing the ones in front of you too.

When the door opened, my mom was pushed inside and she kept pulling me to get inside. But I can't! It was just too crowded inside. I told her, "Ma, I can't get inside, you go out." So she tried to go out. But these freaking people behind continued to push so my nerves reached it's boiling point and I shouted, "STOP PUSHING ME!!!" But then they didn't, so I continued with the shouting, this time louder. And gawd did they stop! Nothing works. I tried to push them back. And shouted, "Umurong sabi eh, my dadaan nga diba?!" One managed to get out though. The doors are yet again closing with my mom and I in front. The train left and my mom and I are in front. You can imagine how close are we to the end of the platform. I can feel the force of pushing coming from behind.

I was hell scared of falling off. So I said, "Napipikon na ako ah, pag ako nalaglag dito ah, manghahatak ako." And so, the next train arrived. The doors opened once again. And you can guess the next action that happened (Dora-like voice waiting for the answer). You bet it is! The pushing, for the nth time was once again brought to life! This time my mom was inside the train and thanks to all the push I was inside the train too! But then the doors won't close because so many people are still trying to come inside. And my bag and paperbag were still outside the train. I kept pulling my bag, my precious bag. My expensive bag that I was just pulling and giving no damn to what may happen to it.

Still, there was pushing inside. I can't move. The phrase 'packed like sardines' and idiom 'hindi mahulugan ng karayom' were hanging above my head. I finally understood what these phrases mean. Finally, someone tried to put my bag inside the train. It was funny. The door closes and were finally inside the packed (literally packed) train. As the door closed I realized something, I can't move a damn muscle. Every part of my body, my front and back, is pushed. I kept thinking, is this what it feels like when you're dead? Being swayed by the train, moving, but not really doing it?

We managed to get out of the train, and you can imagine the rest of the day. It was hell tiring. It didn't occur to me much that my day includes looking for computer shops, lining every bit of place my mom and I go, the pressure I hold about my passport, the heat of the sun burning your skin, burning my pocket and all.

My day is about walking to and fro, lining up for I-don't-even-know-what line. It was just so tiring! Physically and emotionally.

Eating my lunch doesn't even feel like eating at all even if I have kare-kare as viand. It feels like eating paper for lunch. No taste. Or just too tired to taste the food.

I know my mom is much more exhausted than me, because she is the mother, of course. And aging comes with a great deal of strength taken away with you every time you do something. So I tried to follow her instructions no matter what. I am actually guilty that she wasn't able to come to office for me. And i was damn full of guilt. So far, I was just glad that I was issued a passport for four days only. That means this is really it. I'm finally flying to Bangkok!

still can't get used to it

"I still miss studs..."

It's been 18 days now...


And I still can't get used to it.
Every time I come home, no one's there to welcome me by the gate.
No one's trying to come inside the house,
No one's there to smell me
No one's cuddling between my legs
No one's knocking on the window
Peeks at the door,
Scared of water...

I see his picture on the computer.
I see myself, scratching him, holding his big face, getting pissed at his hyper self.
I see myself looking at the dog in a chicken -like position, looking sad, sleepy...
I can't help but miss Studs.
I feel lonesome that all I have with me are memories.
Looking at his pictures brought two emotions in me:
Sad, that he's not with us anymore.
Happy, when I remember all the supid times.
It just boils to one obvious fact: I miss Studs and I can't get over him.

i hate to cry over a dog

For a shallow reason I find myself crying - over a dog. Our beloved dog.

Studs passed away last night. And I couldn't get more lonely.
It might sound stupid thinking that it was just a dog. But I loved that dog.
I'm in no mood to write because every time I try to find words, it just won't suffice the feelings I have. Well, until then.

when panic!at the disco invaded manila...and my heart

Oh! How it's been so long..


Yeah. And finally, I was able to see the man I would love to welcome me down the aisle.

HAHAHAHA

Oh laugh!

But I'm serious. Panic at the disco set foot in my heart and never left. *bow

I can feel it coming

I should be making up for my obviously-failed exam in history...

It's our preliminary exams this week and here I am surfing through the cyberspace.

It didn't really occur to me that Thursday will be an uber hagard/happy, happy day until I really felt something coming.

Tomorrow, after exams, I'm off to Ateneo to pass my sister's application form.
Tomorrow, my heart will be crushed as two teams, UST and Ateneo, will compete for another game.
Tomorrow, I'm off to watch something I've been wishing for long and waiting for since summer.

It's true that you won't feel something till its really there. And fuck because its really there. I'm close to being hysterical and on the verge of slacking again. Haha.

Well, the thing is, Panic at the Disco is coming to Manila. Yes, it's true! And tomorrow's the concert at the Big Dome.

And I can't wait enough. Can't get enough.


I'll be counting on the hours left, waiting for Panic...

***

Haha! Nagpapaka-OA lang! Etchos. =P

deck the pills

need...some...sleep...

badly.
I swear, I've traded every work loaded on me back in highschool, in exchange for my pillow.
But.
Not for this week. Not for this period.
I want to experience normal classroom set-up again, not getting the feeling of dozing off, or not looking and feeling exhausted again.
badly.badly.badly.

Grr.